What am I thinking?

Really, that's what I was thinking when I was running today... what is it that I spend my time thinking about?  Usually, I listen to podcasts on my iPod, and that keeps me from thinking, but I have noticed recently that I drift off and start to think about things, then realize that the iPod has continued boldly on without me, and I have to scan back a bit to catch up - if I am interested enough.  

Tonight, I was listening to This American Life, an episode called Mistakes Were Made, a show that first aired a year ago so I've already heard it, when presidential candidates were anxiously "not apologizing" for missteps.  Saying sorry without saying sorry.  Like William Carlos Williams, in his poem This Is Just To Say:

I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox

and which

you were probably

saving

for breakfast

Forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold

Interesting.  Mades me wonder how often I have positioned my apologies as statements of fact... and how many times others have done it to me.  It seems I have heard a few times "please forgive me" instead of "I'm sorry."  The difference seems subtle, but one really is more of a command, and the other an admittance to hurting.  

In some ways the first says, screw you, by not admitting to hurting.  Forgiveness is easy to give, if given to someone who has already punished themselves.  It is more difficult to give to people that just don't feel it.  Once it is there, 

I think that is where I am right now.  I am really cheating myself in my quest that this blog is suppose to be about - keeping me accountable to my ultimate goal, to finish an Ironman in the next 4 1/2 years.  Unfortunately, I got away with two marathons - barely - with limited training.  I didn't finish anywhere near an honorable time, and not close to what I would need to in order to finish an Ironman, but I finished.  So, I am not totally sorry; I skated.

Now, my speed is shot to hell, my motivation is lower than low, and I just don't feel the same drive I did when I was starting up last February.  Oh, and I am at my highest weight ever, I think.  

I guess I just need to keep taking it one day at a time, and get that vision back in my head.  What does it take to change one's perception?  What does it take to change one's destiny?